


The Miseducation of Rey Johnson

by madeupgirl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - British, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Smut, F/M, Female Friendship, Fluff and Angst, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:34:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23736937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeupgirl/pseuds/madeupgirl
Summary: Rey Johnson, first year engineering student and blushing virgin, does not appreciate her noisy roommate's one night stand eating her Coco Pops.  But apparently that's the beginning of the story of how she meets Ben Solo ...
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 39
Kudos: 183





	The Miseducation of Rey Johnson

**Author's Note:**

> Can you guess the year this is set in?

**September**

“Oh! OH! Oh my god! Harder!”

So it turns out that the walls of Rey’s student accommodation are just as paper-thin as the ones back at the last foster home. She can practically _feel_ her bed shaking while her flatmate has obnoxiously loud sex with the guy she’s brought home from the club.

Rey grabs her pillow and presses it down over her head, hoping to block out some of the noise. She curls up as small as she can, and tries to make herself disappear into the mattress. Her face feels hot. The pillow isn’t doing anything to muffle the sounds.

She can hear a guy’s voice – low enough that she can’t make out any words, but he’s obviously enjoying himself – and then Louise again, loud enough to wake up the whole building: “Oh, _fuck_ ! You’re so _big_ _!_ _Fuck_ _me h_ _arder_ _!”_

Rey squeezes her eyes shut and holds her breath until she starts to feel light-headed.

Finally, with a cacophany of screams and grunts, it’s over, and there’s nothing but blissful silence. Rey emerges from under the pillow and waits for a few moments, then switches on her bedside lamp, finds her slippers, and shuffles down the hallway with a 3 a.m. snack on her mind.

She strolls into the kitchen, and suddenly her eyes are assaulted by the sight of a tall, dark-haired man wearing nothing but _incredibly_ _tight_ boxer briefs, casually leaning against the counter and eating -

“Are those my fucking Coco Pops?”

He doesn’t seem at all surprised to see her. Instead, he grins, and looks her up and down very slowly. He raises the spoon to his lips and takes another bite of cereal, dark eyes still watching her, and Rey is suddenly hyper aware of how small her vest and shorts are.

She feels her face go red, and she folds her arms across her chest, and makes an attempt at staring him down. She’s feeling more and more pissed off by the minute. _He's_ the one walking around almost naked and getting caught stealing other people’s food, so why is _she_ embarrassed?

He tilts his head slightly to one side. “I didn’t see _you_ out tonight,” he comments. His voice is deep and smooth. Rey picks up on the accent immediately. _Of course_ he’s American.

She scuffs one of her slippers against the sticky floor. “Not really my scene,” she replies stiffly. “I’m here to study, not hook up with randoms.”

He laughs softly, shovelling the last spoonful of her cereal into his mouth. “We’ll see,” he says, around the mouthful. He’s _disgusting._

He pushes away from the counter, turns around, and tips the remainder of the chocolate milk down the drain, then sets the bowl and spoon down on the counter next to the sink. Then he raises his arms over his head in a long and luxurious stretch, and Rey only realises she’s been staring at him when he smirks at her. _Gross._

She shrinks against the wall as he moves towards her. He looms over her in the doorway – _how_ _is he so tall?_ \- and his arm brushes against hers as he passes. She feels a jolt of something unfamiliar run through her, and feels a little bit like she’s going to be sick.

“That was _delicious,_ ” he tells her, and disappears back into Louise’s room.

Ten seconds later, it starts all over again.

Rey stares at the empty bowl and spoon on the counter, at her half-open cupboard door, and realises she’s not even hungry anymore.

She stomps back to her room, pulls a hoodie and jeans over her pyjamas, and grabs her bag. Then she leaves the flat, slamming the door very loudly behind her.

Thank god for the 24 hour computer lab.

**October**

Rey’s flatmates keep trying to persuade her to go out clubbing with them. Apparently Louise needs cheering up because that guy still hasn’t texted her back. After almost an entire week of begging and cajoling, she finally agrees to leave her room and join them on a Girls’ Night Out. If she had known the effort it would entail, she definitely wouldn’t have bothered.

She doesn’t even own any appropriate going out clothes, so her flatmates pitch in. Chloe lends her a pair of jeans and a sparkly River Island belt. Beth lets her borrow a corset top that would fit nicely if Rey actually had boobs. And Rose has a pair of white kitten heels which, according to her, pull the outfit together perfectly.

When Rey is all dressed up, Louise looks her up and down and pronounces that she looks _“_ _r_ _eally cute, honey”_.

Rey feels like she’s being made fun of as they coo and fuss over her, straightening her hair, poking at her with mascara and lip gloss, and refilling her glass with Blossom Hill whenever she takes so much as a sip.

She looks at herself in the bathroom mirror before they leave, holding onto the sink and swaying slightly. She doesn’t look like herself at all. She blows a kiss at her reflection, and giggles.

They get to the club early – it’s free entry before eleven – and find somewhere to sit. Somehow, bottles of Smirnoff Ice keep appearing in front of her and she keeps drinking them. Then Louise decides they all need to do shots, so Rey chokes down something red and vile-tasting that burns on the way down.

By the time they drag her onto the dance floor, Rey’s vision has started to blur. They find a spot on the dance floor, dump all their stuff into the middle of their circle, and dance around it. Rey tries to pretend she knows how to dance, but she’s actually starting to feel like she doesn’t even know how to stand.

Another song comes on. It’s that annoying one that’s playing everywhere at the moment. Rey doesn’t want to dance to it, and she really has to pee, so she just picks up her bag and leaves. Nobody sees her go.

Sitting on the toilet, she leans her face against the loo roll dispenser and closes her eyes. That just seems to make everything worse. Her head is spinning. The ground feels like it’s moving. Or maybe _she’s_ moving, like she’s on a starship travelling at the speed of light, with everything rushing past too fast for her to focus. She feels more out of control than she’s ever allowed herself to feel in her life.

Rey leaves the toilets, turns left instead of right, and walks out of the club. One of the burly bouncers shouts something to her from the doorway. She replies something back, but it comes out as just a garbled, slurred sound. Wobbling in her borrowed shoes, she walks down the road along the side of the club, turns into the alleyway where the bins are, and suddenly her stomach heaves and she’s vomiting out wine and alcopops so violently that it comes out of her nose as well. The sick splatters on the pavement with a horrible wet sound, and some of it splashes onto Rose’s shoes.

Then, Rey staggers sideways until she hits the wall, and presses her face against the filthy brickwork. She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to regain some kind of equilibrium. She doesn’t know how long she leans there – five seconds, five minutes, _five hours_ maybe – but after what seems like forever she hears heavy footsteps walking towards her. In spite of the state she’s in, she still has enough awareness to feel an icy jolt of fear strike through her as she realises how vulnerable she is right now.

A male voice speaks, deep and smooth. “Holy shit, Coco Pops, is that you?”

Rey opens her eyes. The two figures standing in front of her blur into one. Although he’s a lot more covered up than the last time she saw him, she’s easily able to recognise him. It's _him!_ The man from the kitchen. The one who ate all her cereal, and then looked at her like he was still hungry.

“You!” she says loudly. She’s pointing at him, but she doesn’t remember raising her arm. “Why are you?”

That didn’t come out right. She frowns.

“I came out here to smoke.” He drops a half-finished cigarette on the ground, and stubs it out with the toe of his boot. “The music’s shit tonight.”

Rey is still pointing at him. _Why_ _is she pointing_ _?_ “You shouldn’t smoke,” she tells him, very seriously. “It’s really bad for you.”

He blinks, and then steps forward into her space. All at once she can smell cigarette smoke, alcohol, and some kind of spicy, musky cologne. “Where are your friends, Coco?”

“Inside,” Rey tells him. Then, _“IthinkI’mgoingtobesick.”_

She lets go of the wall and immediately starts to fall, but he somehow manages to grab her and stop her from smashing her face on the ground, and then she’s being sick again. This time, everything she’s eaten in the past three days seems to come up and out in one go, like that lion fountain in Singapore she saw in a video on the internet one time.

Rey is dimly aware that he’s holding onto her, one hand gently rubbing her back, as she retches and heaves over and over again until her stomach is finally empty. She lets out a sound that’s a cross between a sob and a wail, and then groans.

“Better?” he asks, mildly. He’s still holding her. His arms feel very strong around her.

Rey nods. Her stomach hurts, but that rushed, dizzying sensation from earlier is beginning to fade a little. “Maybe I can stand up now.”

He helps her up, steadies her on her feet, then looks down at her face for a long moment before producing a tissue from the back pocket of his jeans. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” he says. Very gently, he wipes her mouth, her nose, her chin. Then he drops the tissue onto the ground and appraises her again. His eyes look quite kind for a second, and then he nods. “Much better,” he says. “Come on, Coco. Let’s go find your friends.”

She plants her feet, and refuses to budge. “No,” she says. “Stop calling me that. My name’s Rey.”

One corner of his mouth twitches, almost a smile. “All right. Rey, then. I’m Ben. Let’s go inside. Hey, do you want some gum?”

His hand is resting lightly on her lower back as he guides her back into the club, flashing their matching hand stamps to the bouncers. He leads her straight to the bar, and manages to get served immediately, much to the annoyance of the other people who are waiting. The barman soon sets down a pint glass of water and five shots in front of them.

Rey chews on her gum, looking at the shot glasses, and then at him. “We’re sobering _you_ up, not me,” he tells her, and immediately downs the shots, one by one. Then he pushes the larger glass towards her. “Drink your water. It’ll help.”

Rey takes a sip, and it’s the best thing she’s ever tasted in her life. Why has she never appreciated water before?

He leans in a little so she can hear him over the sound of the thumping music and asks: “So, what are you studying, Rey?”

She takes another sip of water before she answers. “Aerospace engineering.” She waits for the derisive comment or strange look she usually gets when she tells people what course she’s doing. _“_ _But you’re a girl!”_

Instead, he leans closer, and asks, “Planes or rockets?” She can smell the spicy, musky scent of his cologne again, and the alcohol on his breath.

“Rockets. I really want to work for NASA one day.”

It’s so strange. She’s only ever dared to write this dream down in her uni entrance essay, and never spoken it out loud. And now here she is spilling her guts to the guy who’s just seen her … spilling her guts. “How about you? What are you studying?”

He’s looking at her and apparently listening, but it takes him a few seconds to realise that she’s asked him a question, and a few more to answer it. “Medicine,” he says. “Second year … _again_.” His expression darkens for only a few seconds, but Rey notices.

He clears his throat, and runs his fingers through his hair. “How’s that water working out for you?”

“Good.” The room is still spinning a bit. Her head is still all over the place. She definitely still feels a little bit sick. But she’s gradually starting to feel like herself again. “I’m so sorry about all this. You probably think I’m the worst human being on earth.”

There’s that lopsided almost-smile again. “I don’t think that,” he murmurs. His eyes don’t seem quite as focused as they were ten minutes ago.

Rey finishes her water, and looks around the room. She immediately spots her flatmates right where she left them on the dance floor. It feels like an entire lifetime has gone by, but in reality it can’t have been more than an hour. “My friends are over there,” she says.

He looks in the direction she’s pointing, and his eyes suddenly narrow. Rey barely has enough time to put her empty glass on the bar before he’s grabbing her arm and dragging her across the dance floor, through and around groups of people who all seem to think better about squaring up to someone who looks so big and angry.

Ben taps Louise on the shoulder, hard. She turns, and her expression quickly transitions from displeasure to familiarity and then surprise. “Hi,” she says, starting to smile.

“I think you’re missing someone,” he tells her, pulling Rey forward to join the circle. “She was outside alone, completely off her face. Why the fuck wasn’t somebody keeping an eye on her?”

The other girls stare at him with huge eyes, and don’t say or do anything. Only Rose moves. She comes to stand next to Rey and grabs her hand, squeezing it in an apology. Rey squeezes back, accepting it.

“We were going to go and look for her in a bit,” Louise ventures weakly.

“The fuck you were! I’ll bet you haven’t even moved from this spot the whole time. Anything could have happened to her out there, and you didn’t even notice she was gone!”

The area around them has cleared slightly because he’s gesturing quite wildly while he speaks, and Rey can see a bouncer heading in their direction.

“You’re drunk, Ben. Stop making a scene. She’s fine, so it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine! Friends are supposed to look out for each other! How can an entire group of people be so fucking irresponsible?”

Louise’s eyes flash. She draws herself up to her full height and raises her chin, somehow managing to look down her nose at Ben even though he must be at least a foot taller than her. “Like _you_ can talk about being responsible,” she says.

Ben reacts like she’s slapped him, reeling back and staring at her, his face suddenly blank. The bouncer appears behind him and tries to grab his arm, but he twists away from him. “I’m fucking leaving anyway,” he says, and stalks off.

Right after the bouncer has checked that they’re all okay, Louise puts her hand on Rey’s arm, a look of concern on her face. “You need to watch yourself with him,” she tells her.

Rey thinks of his almost-smiles, and the way he gently rubbed her back, and doesn’t understand. “What do you mean?”

“You don’t know? I thought _everybody_ knew by now.” Louise’s smile makes Rey feel uncomfortable. Her eyes are gleaming. Her perfume smells sickly sweet like rotting fruit, when she leans in to speak right in Rey’s ear. “Last year, he got a girl on his course pregnant. She had to drop out to have the baby. And he didn’t even care. Trust me, Rey, I’m telling you this because I’m your friend. Stay away from him. _H_ _e’s a monster_.”

Around them, the strobe lights keep flashing, the music keeps blaring, and people keep dancing. Like nothing’s changed.

**November**

For the first time in her life, Rey has a friend.

She spends as much time in Rose’s room as she does in her own. Sometimes they study, or watch TV. A lot of the time they just talk.

At first, they stick to normal, getting-to-know-you topics, but after a while and late at night, their conversations get deeper.

Rose tells Rey about how her sister died in a car accident when she was 12, and how it tore her family apart. She cries, and Rey has tears in her eyes too when she pats her awkwardly on the shoulder.

Rey tells Rose about what little she can remember of her mum: so young, so alone, and completely unable to cope. And then the eight foster homes in thirteen years, all of them grim in their own different ways. It turns out that Rose is very good at hugging, although Rey doesn’t really know how to hug her back.

Through Rose, Rey meets Finn and Poe, two third-year Law students. The pair have been dating since first year, and now share a tiny flat near campus which is in a near-constant state of disarray, and usually smells a little bit like weed. Finn and Poe complement each other perfectly as a couple: Finn is a little more calm and sensible, and Poe is constantly loud and rambunctious. Both of them welcome her into their circle immediately, including her in everything like they’ve known her forever.

And suddenly Rey doesn’t just have a friend … she has _friends_.

***

One evening, they’re all round Finn and Poe’s place, waiting for the Domino’s delivery to turn up, and bickering over what to watch while they eat. Poe finally snatches up the remote and refuses to let go of it even when Finn tries to tickle-fight him. “We’re watching Sex and the City,” he says. “End of discussion.”

“Okay, fine,” says Finn, still a bit sweaty from wrestling over the remote.

“Cool,” says Rose, barely glancing up from her phone.

“What’s that?” asks Rey.

All three of them turn to look at her with identical expressions of astonishment on their faces.

“Are you telling us you’ve never even watched a single episode of Sex and the City?” Poe asks, flabbergasted.

Rey shrugs, not really getting what the big deal is. “I don’t really watch much TV …”

“Guys, we have to fix this situation immediately,” says Poe, opening the cabinet under the TV and rummaging around. “What do you think – the Rabbit episode?”

Finn and Rose agree, and Poe flashes Rey a wicked grin before starting the show.

Afterwards, she’s not entirely sure what made the experience so weird for her. Was it the things that were happening onscreen? Or was it the way her friends kept sneaking glances at her, thinking she couldn’t see them looking?

“You’re being really quiet,” Rose observes, on the walk home. “Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine,” says Rey, clutching the box of leftover pizza closer to her chest.

“Did it make you feel uncomfortable?” Rose asks. “I mean, some of Poe’s commentary was definitely inappropriate...”

“No …” It comes out sounding a bit like a question.

“Did it make you feel-” Rose stops, as an old man out walking his dog passes them at close range. “Did it make you feel _horny_?”

Rey bites her lip, and doesn’t answer for a long time. “… Maybe. I don’t know?”

“Oh, honey.” Rose pats her on the arm. “I know just the thing.”

The next morning, there are 10 back-issues of Cosmopolitan on the floor in front of Rey’s bedroom door. Each of them contains multiple colour-coded page markers. On the top of the pile is a bright pink post-it note with _Enjoy_ and a smiley face.

As Rey’s picking it up, Louise breezes past her, and looks at her out of the corner of her eye. “What’s that?” she asks.

Rey closes the door in her face. She puts the magazines down on the desk, and sits on her bed, staring at them.

***

In late November, they go through a long streak of frequenting the university cafeteria every lunchtime, mainly because Poe is trying to Stick It To The Man by trying to get more for less out of the self-service baguette bar.

Rey is halfway through her bag of crisps when Poe flops down in the comfy chair opposite her, wearing an anguished expression. “Seven pounds sixty just for a tuna mayo baguette,” he says, showing her what appears to be a plateful of filling accompanied by a tiny amount of bread. “This is outrageous.” He adds a few swears in Spanish, to make sure they really _get it._

“Maybe if you didn’t put so much filling in, idiot,” Finn tells him, rolling his eyes, but Poe isn’t listening. Instead, he’s grinning and waving at someone behind Rey, and beckoning them over.

Rey smiles at Finn to show him that at least _she's_ listening, picks up her homemade sandwich, and takes a bite.

Then she chokes.

Ben from the flat, _Ben_ _from_ _the club_ is right there, literally larger than life, and doing some kind of weird gang handshake with Poe like they’re best pals. Louise’s story forces its way into her mind, and she feels her hands begin to shake.

“Jesus, Benjamin,” says Poe, looking him up and down. “You’re getting fat, man. What happened?”

Ben gives him the finger. “A pretty girl told me I should stop smoking,” he says. “And now I can’t stop eating. I’m getting an ass like Shakira. Look.”

He turns around, and Poe slaps his ass appreciatively. “Whenever, wherever,” he says, grinning, and Ben roars with laughter.

Finn shrinks down in his seat. “Guys! People are looking!”

“Let them look!” says Poe, theatrically. He reaches for his sandwich, then stops. “Oh, where are my manners? Ben, have you met our lovely friend Rey yet?”

Rey finally manages to swallow the bile that’s been stuck in her throat just as Ben turns to face her. It takes him a few seconds to recognise her, but when he does he starts to smile, and she suddenly feels a hot flash of anger spike inside her. _How dare_ he be here, _how dare_ he be smiling, after what he’s done! Her hands are still shaking, but it’s easy for her to arrange her expression into a fierce scowl. “I have to go,” she says coldly, and she gathers up her things and leaves.

She’s halfway across the foyer when she hears her name being called, and turns to see Ben striding towards her, looking confused and a bit worried. _Good_ , she thinks, uncharitably.

He stops about a metre away from her, and pauses to catch his breath. “What just happened back there?” he asks. “That reaction … Poe thinks I’ve fucked you and upset you, and now he’s pissed at me.”

Rey feels the blood rush to her face. Her heart is hammering against her ribcage. “Do you do that a lot?” she enquires. “Fuck girls and upset them? _Abandon them?_ ”

His eyes narrow. _“What?”_ He’s looking at her face so intently that she can almost feel his gaze like a physical touch. It feels intimate and invasive, like he’s trying to read her mind, and she wants it to stop.

“I know _,”_ she blurts out. Her whole body is trembling with fury as she looks at him. “ _I know_ what you did last year _._ ”

Suddenly, it’s like she’s talking to a different person. His face goes completely blank. His eyes go cold. He tilts his chin down, and looks up at her through his lashes. “You do?” His voice is deep. It makes something inside her want to curl up, and he she knows he can sense it. “Ah, you do.”

The words leave her mouth before she’s even had a chance to consider them. “I know what you are,” she tells him. “You’re a _monster_.”

He doesn’t even flinch. Doesn’t even try to deny it. “Yes, I am,” he admits.

Rey turns on her heel, and _runs._

***

That night, she tosses and turns in bed for hours, watching the glowing red numbers on her clock radio tick slowly forwards.

Finally, she switches the light on, gets out of bed, and goes over to her desk. She takes a magazine off the top of the pile, sits back down on the bed, and opens it to the first marked page.

**December**

“Christmas is coming, and so will youuuuuuu!” Rose sings deliberately badly, as she presents Rey with an Ann Summers bag.

Rey takes it carefully from her, and peeks inside. “What is it?” she asks. All she can see is a large, shiny, black presentation box.

“Open it and find out.”

Rey tips the box out of the bag onto the bed between them, and stares at it.

“Please open it,” Rose begs. “I can’t stand the suspense. I need to know what you think. I’m literally dying here.”

Rey lifts the lid nervously. Inside, she can see a lot of black tissue paper partially covering some different sized boxes and tubes.

“Okay, so let me talk you through it,” Rose says, reaching over, pulling an item out of the box, and holding it up. “This is lube. A necessity for first-timers.”

Rey nods, making a mental note.

Rose picks up the next item. “These are wipes, for keeping everything fresh. And finally … ta-daaaaa!” She pulls out the largest box. The whole front of it is made from transparent plastic, and inside Rey can clearly see something long and pink that looks awfully familiar … “Your very own Rabbit! Oh, and I got you some batteries too, they’re in there somewhere as well.”

Rey stares and stares at the gifts. “This must have cost a lot, Rose. It’s too much …”

Rose beams at her. “Nothing’s too much for my bff,” she says. “It’s for when you’re ready, and no sooner. I hope you like it.”

Rey launches herself across the bed, flattening the presentation box, and hugs her. “I love it!”

***

At least twenty people have crowded into Finn and Poe’s miniscule flat for the end of term party. It’s snowing a little outside, but the inside of the flat is very warm and very loud.

Rey takes a sip of wine, and glances at the front door for the millionth time.

“I know Poe invited him, but he might not turn up,” says Finn, who has managed to escape from his social butterfly boyfriend to hide in the corner with her. He points a finger at her face. “Don’t even think about saying you don’t know who I mean.”

She takes another sip of wine, and carefully avoids looking at him.

“So, Poe and I were talking earlier,” Finn says. “About what your problem with Ben could be.” He takes a long drink of his rum and coke before he continues. “There were some pretty nasty rumours going round about him last year. People really love to talk shit about other people. Don’t they?”

Rey suddenly feels very aware of her own heartbeat. She stares into her wineglass.

Finn takes another gulp of his drink. “Back then, Poe was one of the only people who stood by Ben. I wasn’t so sure, because I’d heard all the rumours. It was easy to judge someone I didn’t even know that well. But then … I learned the truth.”

Rey flinches, and some of her wine spills onto the carpet. Finn pretends not to notice. The deposit is already a write-off anyway, thanks to Poe.

“Listen, Rey, if you have a problem with him, maybe you should try talking to him about it?”

Rey’s hands are shaking. She grips her wineglass tighter. “Finn, I-”

Poe interrupts them by appearing out of nowhere, and draping himself over his boyfriend. “Did I hear my name?” he asks. He’s so drunk he’s almost cross-eyed.

“Yeah, we were just talking about how much of an annoying dick you are.”

“You mean how much you love my dick, right?” Poe pulls him in for a sloppy kiss, and Rey takes that as a very clear cue to leave them to it. She sidles away to try and find another quiet spot.

She’s standing by herself in the middle of the hallway when the front door opens, and Ben walks in. He’s looking around warily, and when he spots her he freezes.

Rey stares at him, heart pounding. There’s snow melting in his hair, and on the shoulders of his long grey coat. Under the coat, she can see the collar of a dark red shirt; the colour contrasts beautifully with his pale skin.

She has to take another sip of wine, because her mouth has gone dry.

“Benjamin! You’re late!” Somehow, Poe appears out of the kitchen – _did he teleport_ _there?_ \- and shoves a glass of something orange into Ben’s hand. “Rey here was just saying that she’d like to talk to you,” he says. “Why don’t you guys go stand in the stairwell? It’s much quieter out there.”

Before either of them quite realises what’s happening, he’s shoved them out into the hallway, and slammed the front door in their faces.

Okay, then.

Ben clears his throat, shoves the hand that isn’t holding a drink into his pocket, and looks at a spot just above her head.

Rey stares at the wall beside his face. Someone has written the C-word in thick black marker, underlined it three times, and also drawn a crude version of a dick.

Ben follows her gaze, and pinches the bridge of his nose, looking like he’s either going to laugh, cry, or do both at the same time. “Shall we go sit on the stairs?” he suggests, still not looking at her. Rey can’t think of a good enough reason to say no, so she follows.

She sits primly on the top step, pressed up against the railing, and puts her glass down on the ground. Ben finds a spot a couple of steps down. He takes a sip of his drink, makes a face, and mutters, _"_ _The fuck is this_ _?_ ”

Rey bites her lip and stares at her knees. There’s a loose thread on the sleeve of her blouse, and she twists it around and around her finger, cutting off the blood circulation.

“We don’t have to do this.” His voice cuts into the thick silence abruptly, making her jump. “Not if you don’t want to. You can go back inside, and I can leave. It’s fine.”

Rey’s finger has started to go purple. She unravels the thread, and looks up at him. “What really happened last year?”

He looks back at her, and swallows. She can’t read his expression, but his eyes look very dark. “I thought you already knew everything.”

“I thought I did, but maybe I don’t.” Rey’s voice sounds small, like a little girl’s voice. “Please tell me.”

His gaze slides away from her, to a spot on the floor by her left leg. “There _was_ a girl. My girlfriend, in fact. And she _did_ get pregnant. That much is true. But I’m always careful, and the dates didn’t match up. And it turned out she’d been with some other guy over the summer. But she still tried to blame it on me. And nearly everyone believed her.”

Rey raises a trembling hand to her mouth. Wave after wave of shame starts to wash over her as she begins to realise how quickly she’s judged him. “Ben-”

A muscle under his left eye twitches, the only indication that he’s heard her. “Oh, but there’s so much more to tell. Like how half of the other medics still treat me like a pariah. How I beat the shit out of some guy on my course for making a dumb comment about it and nearly got myself kicked out of school. How I flunked the entire year. How I told her I’d still stand by her if she wanted, and she laughed in my face. And here’s the best one: my parents still haven’t forgiven me because _it must have been my fault somehow._ " He stops suddenly, chest heaving, and stares down into his glass. Then he raises it to his lips, and downs the whole thing. He shudders.

“ _Ben-_ ” Rey says again, louder. She doesn’t even know if he can hear her. His eyes are brimming with unshed tears, and his hands are clenched into tight fists at his sides. The weight of his words and his emotions feels so heavy that Rey can feel her eyes beginning to fill with tears too. “Ben, I’m so sorry ...”

His eyes are suddenly wild, and he’s breathing hard. He turns away from her, yells _“FUCK!”_ and hurls the glass down the stairs as hard as he can. It shatters against the wall. His hands curl and uncurl into fists again for a moment, and then he shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be here right now. I just want to be alone.” He reaches out towards the railing, intending to pull himself up, to walk down the stairs, to disappear into the night.

_No,_ Rey thinks.

This wound is still so new, so raw, so _huge_ that maybe all of him is the wound. And yet here he is opening it up again just for her, to show her what’s inside of him. And it’s painful to see, but somehow it's beautiful, too. Ben is honest, and so _real_ _._ She needs him to stay.

She grabs his outstretched hand as it reaches for the railing, and holds on tightly. “I’m sorry,” she says again. “I got it wrong. But … I know now. _Please don’t go_.”

Ben stops.

He looks down at their joined hands, then back up at her face. He’s shaking.

“You can be alone with me,” Rey tells him.

He presses his trembling lips together into a thin, hard line. She can feel tension running through him like high-voltage electricity. He’s staring into her face, eyes searching, desperately looking for something.

“I had to look out for myself when I was growing up,” she tells him. She wishes she was good with words, because she wants to be able to explain herself so he can understand. “Because nobody else would. So I’ve grown up thinking that I have to deal with everything by myself. Somehow I knew that I would always be alone, because that was how it always had been. And I told myself I didn’t mind, and I think I even believed it sometimes. But I’m starting to think more and more that I was wrong. Nobody should be alone. Not even me. _Not even you_.”

The light in the stairwell flickers and dims. Very slowly, Ben turns his hand over, and slots his fingers between hers. His eyes are very bright, and she knows instantly that he understands. They’re _both_ open wounds, trying to heal. “You’re not alone,” he tells her.

Rey gives him a soft smile. “Neither are you.”

***

The parcel arrives three days before winter break starts. Rey gets a phone call about it and has to go to collect it from the reception desk. It’s so large that she can’t carry it properly, so she has to drag it up three flights of stairs and down two corridors before she can finally dump it on her bed.

The label is addressed to _R_ _ey "Coco” Johnson"_ so she has a good idea who it’s from, but she hasn’t a clue what could be inside.

She opens the box, tips out the packing peanuts, and then she can’t stop laughing. She laughs so hard that Rose comes in to see what’s so funny, and then she’s laughing too.

It’s the biggest box of Coco Pops either of them has ever seen.

**January**

Exams pass in a rapid blur of all-night cramming sessions, daily emotional breakdowns, and gallons of Red Bull, and then the second semester begins.

For some reason, the guy who sits next to Rey in her maths class keeps smiling at her and trying to talk to her. Eventually it gets so annoying that she grudgingly responds.

When he asks her out on a date, she’s so shocked that she doesn’t actually realise she’s said yes until a text arrives from him with a day and time, and a winky face emoticon.

On the first date, she discovers that his name is John. They go to the cinema to see a film. He buys them seats near the back, in the corner. When the movie starts, he puts his arm around her, and his hand accidentally brushes against her breast. She flinches. When the movie ends, he tries to kiss her. She turns her face away at the last minute, so he ends up getting a mouthful of her hair instead.

On the second date, they go to a gig. They go to a bar afterwards, more upmarket than the student dives she’s been getting used to, so she feels out of place in her jeans and t-shirt. He finds them a table in a dark corner, and buys them fancy gin and tonics without asking her if she likes them. (She doesn’t.) He reaches across the table to hold her hand, and his hand feels cold and clammy like a fish. He goes to kiss her. She freezes, then kisses him back. His lips are very wet against hers. His tongue feels too big in her mouth.

***

Rey runs into Ben on campus late one afternoon. She’s leaving the library carrying a stack of books almost as big as she is, and he’s just about to enter. They stop in the doorway for a moment, completely blocking anyone else from getting in or out.

“What’s this I hear about you having a boyfriend?” he asks. His tone is light and teasing. His eyes are dark. “Is it serious? Is he the one? _Have you fucked him yet?”_

“We’ve been on two dates,” she tells him. “And it’s none of your business.”

“I can still ask though!” he calls after her, as she walks away. She smiles.

***

On the third date, John takes her bowling. He’s having a great time until Rey wins, and it really, really pisses him off. He won’t talk to her, won’t hold her hand in the car, and only cheers up when she invites him up to her room. He doesn’t let her turn on the light, so he paws at her breasts and dry humps her in the dark until he cums in his jeans. When Rey tries to climb onto his thigh, he brushes her aside and leaves. The next morning, Louise passes her in the corridor and gives her a knowing look, and Rey feels _dirty_ even though her hair is still damp from the shower.

***

That night, she takes the vibrator out of its box for the first time. She stares at it for a long time, then inserts the batteries. When she switches it on, the noise and sudden motion freaks her out so much that she juggles it from hand to hand in a panic before switching it off and hiding it in the drawer under her bed. She tries to use her fingers instead, but she doesn’t know what she’s looking for, and it goes on and on until her hand cramps and she gives up.

***

On the fourth date, they go to the Costa Coffee in town. John takes her upstairs because he thinks nobody else is there, and he tells her that she’s really giving him mixed messages and maybe they should take some time apart. Rey climbs onto his lap and kisses his mouth, kisses his neck, until he’s rock hard against her.

Then she bites his earlobe, and he pushes her off him much harder than necessary. “I don’t understand you,” he says, as he pulls on his jacket. “I thought you were a good girl.”

Rey watches him leave, gaining some petty sense of satisfaction from his awkward gait, and the way he has to hold his bag over his crotch. But her skin is feeling hot and prickly as she begins gathering her belongings. Bag … jacket … scarf … _where_ _the fuck are_ _are_ _her_ _gloves?_

A shadow looms over her suddenly, and someone clears their throat. She jerks her head up, half expecting it to be a member of staff kicking her out, or a police officer here to arrest her for indecent behaviour.

Instead, Ben is standing there. He’s looking down at her with a very strange expression on his face. He almost looks flustered. “Well, here I was thinking I was going to get some studying done,” he drawls. “And instead, I got one hell of a show. Bravo!”

“Shut up, Ben. I’m not in the mood.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Neither was he, apparently. The idiot.”

He sits down next to her on the sofa without being invited, taking up more than his fair share of space, so that one side of his body ends up pressed right against hers. The heat radiating from him does nothing to help the uncomfortable, prickly feeling all over her body. If anything, it makes it worse.

“He’ll call you,” Ben says. “He’s an even bigger idiot than he looks if he doesn’t. What you decide to do after that is up to you. But -” He reaches inside his coat, pulls out his wallet, and slides out a couple of small foil packets. _Condoms_ , Rey realises, as he takes her hand, places them in her palm, and closes his big hand around hers. “-if you can’t be a _good girl_ , at least be careful.”

Rey feels herself go bright red. She wants to hide her face, but he’s still holding her hand.

“You don’t have to force it,” he tells her. “It’s not a race.”

Something tightens inside her, like a spool being turned a notch too far. Her skin is itching. Burning. “How old were _you,_ your first time?” she blurts out, before she can stop herself.

Ben’s eyes widen a fraction, and she can see his pupils dilate. “Thirteen,” he says. He clears his throat. “Way too young. Her mom caught us, of course. She called my mom and told her. There was yelling. So much yelling.” There’s a faraway look in his eyes, and the whole of his face looks tense, almost like he’s in pain. “My mom told me I was disgusting. She said that I was a _deviant._ And then she sent me to England to live with my dad. So … yeah. I was thirteen.”

Rey thinks of herself at nine years old, the sting of the slap on the back of her hand after it was ripped out of her underwear. “ _Wicked girl!”_

She swallows.

Ben reaches out to take her other hand. His thumb swirls soft circles on the back of it, gentle and soothing. She’d always thought that his eyes were dark brown, but in this light they are the exact golden shade of honey. His gaze travels over all of her face, searching for something.

“You can do so much better than him, Rey.” His voice is very low. She sees him glance at her mouth for a second. “You need a teacher. Someone to show you how good it can be.”

From downstairs, there’s an almighty crash of crockery, followed by a sarcastic round of applause.

They both jump.

Rey rips her hands away from him, leaps to her feet, and grabs for her belongings. Her hands feel clumsy. Every inch of her skin feels like it’s on fire _._ “I have to go!”

She can feel him watching her as she hurries down the stairs.

***

That night, she slides a finger into herself while she circles her thumb over her clit. She thinks she can feel something, this time. Something persistent … some kind of pleasant pressure. It feels … nice, maybe?

She fits a second finger inside, and tries using the middle finger of her other hand to work her clit, rubbing on the top, the middle, the side -

_There._

Her head thumps back onto her pillow as she feels something rising … and rising … and -

The phone rings

It’s John.

**February**

When Rey opens her curtains on Valentine’s Day morning, the clouds look dark and heavy, and there are already a few flakes of snow dancing in the air.

She stares out of the window for a long time, watching the flakes flutter down, down, down. They melt as soon as they touch the ground.

After lectures finish for the day, Rey and Rose head round to the boys’ flat to celebrate what they have collectively decided to call _Palentine’s Day_.

“Is it okay for us to be here?” Rey asks Finn. “Wouldn’t you guys rather spend the evening together instead?”

“It’s not necessary because every day with me is like Valentine’s Day, isn’t it?” Poe yells from the kitchen.

“Every day with you is more like Halloween!"Finn calls back.

Ben turns up just after seven, looking exhausted after a long day of lectures. He flops down on the sofa next to Rey and falls asleep almost immediately, only waking up when the takeaway arrives. He’s very quiet, and picks at his food.

Midway through the meal, Poe whispers something to him, and then they disappear outside for twenty minutes. When they return, they’re both laughing like idiots and struggling to hang up their coats.

“You better not have been smoking my weed!” Finn yells.

“Our weed,” Poe corrects him, stealing the last prawn cracker.

Ben sits back down next to Rey. He practically melts into the sofa, he’s so relaxed. He rests his head on her shoulder. There are some snowflakes in his hair, so Rey brushes them away. He glances at her, a small smile on his lips, before closing his eyes.

Rey can hear Rose, Poe and Finn talking and laughing as they clear away the dishes. In the kitchen, the tap starts running. Someone turns the radio on, and she can hear Poe start singing along. She feels herself start to relax. It’s so warm in here, the sofa is soft and comfortable, it’s snowing outside, and there’s nowhere else she would rather be. She closes her eyes, too.

“So, I got you a thing.”

Rey opens her eyes, and blinks rapidly, feeling a little confused. Did she just fall asleep for a moment?

Ben is holding a small white rectangular box with a skinny silver ribbon tied around it, and looking at her.

He tosses it, and she only just manages to catch it. “What is it?”

He leans back, putting his arms behind his head. “Just a thing. You can open it, if you want.”

Rey unfastens the silver ribbon and sets it to one side. Then she slides the lid off, all the while aware that he’s watching her out of the corner of one eye.

Inside the box is a delicate silver chain. There’s a charm on it – a crescent moon, and a tiny, jewel encrusted star _._ “Ben,” she breathes. “Why-”

His eyes are on the ceiling again. “Thought you might like it.”

“I love it.” She slides it carefully out of the box to admire it more, then decides that she wants to put it on immediately. But when she tries to unfasten the catch, she can’t get the knack of it. “Can you help me?”

He sighs dramatically, like she’s causing him a massive amount of trouble by making him move from his comfortable spot. But he takes it from her very gently, and his large fingers are surprisingly nimble as they open the tiny clasp. “Turn around.”

She swivels in her seat so she’s facing away from him, and holds her hair out of the way. He reaches around her, then fastens the clasp behind her neck. The chain is long enough that when she looks down, she can see the charm resting against her skin, the bejewelled star sparkling just like the real ones in the sky. “Thank you,” she says. “It’s beautiful.”

The sofa dips as he moves forward a little, and then he rests his chin on her shoulder, and wraps his arms around her from behind. “It _is_ beautiful,” he says, his voice sounding a little deeper than usual. “ _Very_ beautiful.” Rey can feel his stubble against her neck. She can smell that spicy, musky aftershave he always wears, overlaid by the sweet, nutty scent of weed. Her eyelids begin to flutter closed. Her head feels fuzzy, like it’s filled with static.

And then -

Ben moves away from her, and picks up his drink. “So where’s Jeff The Interesting Boyfriend today?” he asks, looking at her over the rim of the glass.

“John,” she corrects, staring out of the window. “I don’t know.”

Outside, the snow is falling heavily now. Big, fluffy snowflakes twisting and swirling together in the air, just like the strange, fuzzy static inside her head.

***

She doesn’t even undress when she gets home. Just pulls her jeans and knickers down, and then she’s shoving two fingers inside herself. She’s so wet already that it doesn’t even hurt.

She rubs two fingers from her other hand over her clit, trying to remember what it was that she did last time, when it felt like something almost worked. But she feels more sensitive this time, and instead of feeling good it almost feels painful _._

Rey tries for twenty minutes, but she can’t get there at all.

**March**

Rey dumps John via text message on the first of the month. It’s a huge relief.

She takes the condoms out of her bedside drawer, looks at them for a long time, then places them in the black box under the bed with the rest of her treasures.

***

The Engineering Society night out is costume themed this month, which is how Rey finds herself going out in town dressed like a naughty schoolgirl – short skirt, knee high socks, and her shirt tied up like Britney Spears in that music video.

After several large glasses of wine at home, she borrows Rose’s digital camera to take a mirror photo of herself, uploads it to her laptop, and emails it to Ben. Then she heads out for the night.

By the time the group arrives at their last stop, she’s had enough to drink that’s she’s feeling happy and sociable, and not at all self-conscious about dancing. In fact, she’s one of the first ones on the dance floor.

When a big pair of hands comes to rest on her waist, Rey already knows who they belong to. She leans back against the long, solid body, and they sway together in time to the music for a long while before she turns around to smile up at him. “Hi, Ben.”

For once, he seems almost lost for words. “Fucking hell, Rey. You look … _wow._ ”

“I’m thinking of dressing like this all the time from now on,” she says, twirling probably a little harder than she should in such a tiny skirt. “What do you think?”

He works his jaw from side to side, then swallows. “Definitely.” His hand is resting on the small of her back as he leads her off the dance floor, into a corridor near the cloakrooms. The space is narrower here, and people are passing through all the time, but it’s far enough away from the speakers that they can actually have a conversation.

“So how’s it going?” Ben asks, his hand still resting on her. “Have you managed to get a glimpse of Jim’s dick yet?”

Before Rey can answer, a couple of drunk guys push past her, sending her flying into him. His arms instantly go up around her to stop her from falling, and it just makes sense for her to stay there, pressed up against him, breathing in the heady scent of his aftershave. “Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you.”

His eyes are very dark as he looks down at her. “What?”

For some reason, she suddenly feels nervous, and everything she wants to say all comes out at once, as a nonsense jumble of half-sentences and long pauses. “We didn’t … those condoms you gave me … I didn’t … I broke up with him.”

It takes Ben a few seconds to parse the information. When he understands, his mouth opens slightly in surprise, and she feels the touch of his gaze as it travels over the side of her face. Then she realises it’s not his gaze, but his _hand_ , now resting against her cheek. When he speaks, she can feel the puff of his breath against her lips. “Why are you telling me this?

His lips are almost touching hers. His hand feels so warm against her cheek. His strong arms are around her. Almost every part of his body is touching almost every part of her body. She could just reach out and … and...

She freezes. It’s like her brain has shut down. Rey stares into his eyes, panicking, and wishes she could somehow communicate telepathically with him.

His arms tighten around her. “Rey, what is this?” He sounds almost desperate.

“… I don’t know,” she whispers, and looks away.

Slowly, gently, he peels himself apart from her, and then takes a step to the side. No part of them is touching now. “I thought-” he begins, then stops. He takes one step back, then another, moving further and further away. “I - I _can’t_.”

Rey can’t speak. She tries to smile at him, but her face won’t move.

“I can’t,” he says again. She notices that his hands are shaking, but then he shoves them deep into the pockets of his jeans. “Rey, I need you to _know._ _"_ He looks broken as he turns away.

And then, he’s gone.

Rey stands in the corridor by herself for a very long time. When she goes back out to rejoin the group, she dances, and laughs, but she’s not feeling good now. She’s not enjoying herself at all.

She sees Ben twice more that night.

The first time, he’s standing at the bar, slamming one tequila shot after another with single-minded determination.

The second time …

It’s a few minutes before closing when she spots him. It isn’t hard, because he’s the tallest person in the room, but right now he’s slightly bent over to dance with a smaller girl with long, dark hair.

His hands rest lightly on her hips, and their foreheads are pressed together as they sway in time to the music.

Then, he tilts her head up with his thumb and forefinger, and brushes his lips against hers, pulling her closer so there’s no space left between their bodies.

Rey watches him glide his other hand up the girl’s back to rest it at the nape of her neck, then he draws her in to him and deepens the kiss, his tongue sliding into her mouth …

Rey's lips almost feel like they’re tingling, like _she’s_ the one being kissed.

And … suddenly …it hits her.

She understands now.

No. _No._ This is wrong.

_She_ wants this.

_Rey_ should be the one being kissed.

The music stops, and the house lights come up. Rey catches a glimpse of the girl’s face and recognises her, right before Ben is pushing the girl up against a pillar on the dancefloor, mouth on her neck, his hands all over her now, not caring that they’re in public.

Rey stands rooted to the spot, trembling all over, and forces herself to watch them. _I know now,_ she thinks. _Ben, I know now._

But it’s too late.

And it hurts.

Oh, how it _hurts._

Rey doesn’t know how she gets out of the club. She doesn’t remember walking to the taxi rank. She has no idea how she finds her way up to the flat.

But she knows that Louise doesn’t come home that night.

**April**

Rey spends the whole of Easter break in her pyjamas, moping around the flat and listening to old Madonna albums on repeat.

The day after Easter Monday, she digs her cleanest jeans and hoodie out of the laundry basket and puts them on, walks the two miles to Asda, and spends her whole week’s food budget on cut-price Easter eggs. When she gets home, she sits at the kitchen table by herself and eats them one after the other until she feels sick.

Rose turns up a week early, claiming she’s had enough of her family to last her for the rest of the year. She takes one look at Rey, huddled like a trash gremlin in her messy room, and as if by magic produces several bottles of wine and a stack of chick flicks.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rose asks, as the end credits of Coyote Ugly scroll up the screen.

“No.”

They watch the masterpiece of modern cinema that is Legally Blonde. Reese Witherspoon wins the case, _and_ gets her man. Rey puts her head on Rose’s shoulder, and sniffs.

“You’d look great with blonde highlights,” Rose says thoughtfully. “I could get one of those kits from Superdrug. At times like these, a girl needs to change her hair.”

Rey sighs. “Okay.”

In the end, she lets Rose cut it too, with the scissors from the kitchen drawer. It turns out surprisingly well: a blunt bob that finishes just above her shoulders, with dark blonde flashes through the ends. Rey thinks it might actually bring out the colour of her eyes.

Their other roommates start returning one by one over the next few days, and the flat begins to come alive again. Louise is the last one to arrive. She barges in late on Friday evening, drops her bags in the hallway, and then stands in the doorway of Rey’s room, looking in at her and Rose as they lie on her bed eating Coco Pops straight from the box in their oldest and rattiest pyjamas.

“Nice hair,” she says to Rey.

“Nice lovebite,” Rose retorts, pointing at her neck.

Louise laughs. “Oh, this?” she says, acting embarrassed, but she swishes her hair out of the way to show it off more, and she stares at Rey. “What can I say, girls? Ben’s just _insatiable_ _._ ”

Rey feels her hands begin to curl up into fists.

Louise disappears into her room, slamming the door behind her, and a few moments later some awful trance music starts blasting through the wall, startling them both.

Rose sits up and turns to Rey, her eyes blazing. “I swear to god sometimes I just want to strangle that bi-” She stops when she sees the look on Rey’s face, and of course she immediately understands, because she’s _Rose_. “Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry.”

Rey sits up to help herself to another handful of cereal. “It doesn’t matter,” she says. “It’s too late.”

Rose puts one hand on each of Rey’s shoulders, and stares soulfully into her eyes. “Sometimes a girl’s got to fight for what she loves,” she tells her, like it’s a scene in one of their chick flicks. The scene just before the plucky heroine gets her man back.

Rey shoves the whole handful of Coco Pops into her mouth, so she doesn’t have to reply.

***

She doesn’t see Ben at all in April.

But she thinks of him, constantly.

**May**

Final deadlines come thick and fast now that exams are just around the corner. Rey works in the library as often as she can so she can stay away from the flat - _away from them -_ but on this particular Friday afternoon, the librarians have decided to move an entire collection around, and aren’t being quiet about it. Rey tuts, then glares, then huffs, but her show of passive aggression has no effect whatsoever, so she eventually decides to give up on the library and maybe try to study at home.

Back at the flat, she props her bedroom door open in case Rose wants to pop in, and arranges her study materials around her on the bed. She sits down, then gets up a moment later to grab her highlighter pens off her desk. She sits down, picks up her pen and notebook, then gets up again to open the window. The next time she sits down, her phone vibrates, and she has to go across the room to fetch it from her bag. It’s a text from Poe, so she replies, and then he texts her back, and it becomes a whole conversation.

After about half an hour of time wasting, she notices that she can smell Ben’s aftershave. He must be over. She should probably just close her door, she thinks …

Everything around her suddenly becomes incredibly noisy and distracting. She can hear Chloe and Beth clattering around in the kitchen, preparing something to eat. The radiator next to her starts making a weird pinging sound. Someone in the flat upstairs is clomping around in chunky high heels. That pigeon outside really needs to _fuck off._

Then, through the wall, she hears Ben’s voice, low and calm. Then Louise’s, louder and more agitated. For once she can’t make out what they’re saying, but it doesn’t sound happy. If it isn’t an argument, it’s certainly a _serious discussion._

Louise’s door opens, and then bangs closed. She storms down the corridor and out of the flat, slamming the front door behind her. Her bedroom door opens again, and closes quietly this time.

Rey hears Ben’s heavy footsteps in the hallway.

She tries to focus on the notebook in front of her, tries to control her breathing.

The footsteps stop by her door.

Rey looks up, and Ben’s standing in her doorway, one hand lightly resting on her doorframe, looking a little bit unsure of himself. “Hey, stranger,” he says.

Rey’s face feels like it has been carved out of granite. “Hello.”

“Can I come in?”

She shrugs. “If you want.”

He steps over the threshold and pauses for a moment, looking around her room. Then he moves a couple of textbooks aside, and sits down at the end of the bed. “I’ve missed you.”

She taps her pen on the notebook in front of her. “Oh.”

He reaches across, takes the pen out of her hand, and drops it on the bed. “It feels like you’re avoiding me, actually. Are you?”

Rey tries to focus on the notebook. Her bottom lip has started to tremble, and it won’t stop.

“What’s wrong?” he asks her. Why does his voice have to sound so kind, so gentle?

She shrugs, and shakes her head. Even if she knew how to articulate what she’s feeling, she would have absolutely no right to dump everything on him when it’s _about him_ and _all her fault._

The bed creaks under his weight as he moves slightly closer to her. “I can see you doing what I was always taught to do,” he tells her. “Keeping everything inside because it’ll be _such a bother_ to everyone else. Did you learn that as a kid, too? That your thoughts and feelings were wrong? That you were bad and selfish for wanting the things that you wanted?”

Rey looks up. He’s staring at her pin board, where she’s stuck her colour-coded uni schedule, and so many photos of her friends. Rose. Finn. Poe. _Him._ She finally finds her voice, barely a whisper. “Yes.”

“You know it’s all crap, right?” He sounds angry, but she knows it’s not at her. Sometimes, Rey feels angry too. “All of that shit just needs to stay in the past and fucking _die_ , all right? There’s nothing wrong with either of us for thinking what we think or wanting what we want.”

“I know.” Her voice comes out a little louder this time. She can feel her heart beating, faster than before.

“You can always talk to me,” Ben tells her. He twists his fingers in her duvet cover, pulling it tight. “About anything. I don’t care about what the rest of the world thinks. Fuck them. But you and me … it’s different. We’re the same. I know you feel it, too.”

_We're the same._ Rey thinks of two souls, more open wound than person, trying to heal … together.

She looks up at him.

He’s watching her with something guarded in his expression. “That night in the club … I keep thinking about it. That look in your eyes. It was like you were afraid of me.”

Rey summons every last bit of courage she has in her body, and begins to speak. She’s never been good with words, but somehow they come out right. “Sometimes when you look at me, it feels like I’m transparent,” she tells him. “Like you can see right through me. See everything I’m thinking and feeling.”

He smiles ruefully. “Sometimes I can guess, maybe. But most of the time I don’t even know what _I'm_ feeling, let alone anybody else.”

She sits up straighter, turns her body towards him. “It’s the same for me. Most of the time I don’t know what I’m feeling either. But… sometimes I do, and then I pretend that I don’t. Even to myself. _Especially_ to myself. Because what I’m feeling scares me. It scares me so much that I don’t even want to look at it, so I push it down, and hide it, and try to ignore it. But, I shouldn’t do that. Not anymore.”

“No,” he agrees. “You shouldn’t.”

“I’m not afraid of you, Ben,” she tells him. Even with the window open, the room is warm. But she’s shivering. She can’t stop shivering.

Ben looks at her, his face impassive, but his eyes _pleading._

Rey continues. “I think I’m afraid of … _me._ Of the things I think. Of the things I want. When I’m with _you_.”

His fingers are now twisted so tightly in her duvet cover that she thinks he’s going to rip a hole in it. He swallows. “What do you want, Rey?”

_“I want to fuck you.”_

The words hang in the air between them, crude, and to the point, and finally _out there._

Ben inhales a shaky breath, but doesn’t say anything.

Rey squeezes her eyes shut now, trying to keep in tears that are threatening to betray her even more than her mouth already has. But she keeps talking. “I want _everything._ It scares me so much, the things I want you to do to me. The things I want to do to you. I didn’t understand it. And then I didn’t _want_ to understand it. And then I finally understood everything, but it was too late and it’s – _it's not fair -"_

She opens her eyes. The tears are free to fall where they will now, and they drip down her nose onto her t-shirt, and onto the bed covers. She doesn’t know what to do, or what to say, so she just sits there in her misery. “I’m sorry,” she says, as hot tears run down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. _I'm sorry-_ "

In one sudden motion, Ben sweeps all of the clutter from her bed onto the floor. Then he pulls her into his lap, and wraps his arms tightly around her. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he tells her, his voice tender but fierce. “ _Nothing_.”

Rey tucks her head under his chin and finally allows herself to lose control. She cries and cries, great heaving sobs that shake her whole body. And Ben’s arms cradle her, he rocks her gently, he traces soft, invisible patterns on her back with his warm, warm hands. And he whispers to her: “There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with _us._ There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

When the tears finally stop, she starts to feel ashamed. She’s shown him everything. Every part of her has been exposed. Every weakness and vulnerability is out there in the open. He could destroy her, if he wanted. But he simply holds her face between his hands, his gaze very soft as he wipes away the remaining tears with his thumbs.

“I must look awful right now” she says.

He nuzzles his nose against her undoubtedly red and snotty one, not seeming to care very much. “I’ve seen you with sick on your face, and still thought you were beautiful.”

Rey starts to laugh.

She thinks he’s about to kiss her when they hear a gasp from the doorway, and turn to see Louise standing there, her eyes blazing with fury. “What the fuck is going on?"

“What does it look like?” says Ben.

Rey isn’t even sorry. Not one tiny bit.

**… still May**

It’s one o clock the next morning, and Rey can’t sleep. She feels restless, replaying the events of the afternoon over and over in her head like a DVD on repeat.

She picks up her mobile, and dials Ben’s number.

He answers on the third ring, but doesn’t say anything. She can hear him breathing.

“I didn’t wake you, did I?” Rey asks.

He laughs softly. “No…” He sounds a little breathless.

She rolls over onto her back. “I want to sleep. But I can’t stop thinking.”

“About what? _Me?_ " She can hear a smile in his voice.

An idea comes into her head, unbidden. She smiles, too. “Your hands.”

She hears a small, sharp intake of breath. _"What?"_

She hums. “I like your hands a lot. They’re big and strong and warm. I like it when you hold my hand, and I _really_ like it when you hold me. But right now, I’m wondering … what else can your hands do?”

There’s a long pause. “Rey?” He sounds uncertain. He’s breathing a little faster.

“What are your hands doing _right now_ , Ben?”

The heavy sound of his breathing is all the answer she needs.

“Wait for me,” Rey tells him.

She switches to speakerphone, and places her mobile carefully on the bed beside her. She peels off her pyjamas, and throws them across the room. Then, she reaches into the drawer under the bed, and takes out the vibrator and lube. Rey squeezes some lube out onto her fingers, and slicks up the length of the shaft. She slicks herself up, too. Then she lays back on the bed, the phone right next to her face, and turns the vibrator on.

“What’s that sound?” Ben asks. “Are you -? Oh my god, _you are!_ "

“I’m going to try,” she tells him, as she pushes the head of it against her entrance. “It’s really big.”

“Deep breaths,” he says. “Take it nice and –” his voice hitches “– nice and slow.”

Rey takes a deep breath in, and then when she breathes out she starts to press it into herself. The initial stretch hurts, it _stings_ , but then once that pain passes and the head is in, it gets a little easier. She keeps to a steady rhythm, pausing as she breathes in, and sliding it in a little further each time she breathes out, until it can’t go any further, and she feels full. New and unfamiliar sensations pass through her entire core as the vibrator pulses, and she doesn’t know quite what to make of it.

“I did it,” she tells him, breathlessly.

She hears him swallow. “H-how does it feel?”

She tilts the angle so that it’s touching her clit, and as soon as it does that, she can feel a warm, throbbing sensation in her centre start rippling outwards, like she’s thrown a pebble into a pond. As the ripples spread outwards, they lessen in intensity. But the ripples at her core seem to be growing more intense.

A soft "Ohhhhh-" is all she manages to get out.

_"More."_ His voice is low, his breathing harsh in her ear. “Turn it up.”

She changes the setting. The part that’s inside her pulses faster and harder, but that’s not enough by itself, so she thrusts her hips up and grinds the vibrator against her clit, suddenly finding that sweet spot from before. A moan slips out from between her lips.

“ _Fu_ _uuuuu_ _ck._ ” The word comes out long and slurred, like he’s drunk. His breathing sounds like it’s getting out of control. “I’m getting close...”

Rey traces her left hand across her side, her stomach, her breast, imagining it’s a much larger, warmer hand. She rubs her thumb across the hard bud of her nipple, and feels something like a chain of little sparks running right through to the centre of her. She keeps moving her thumb, and the sparks begin to grow, like she’s fanning a flame. Her legs begin to twitch, and she thrusts her hips up again, grinding again … and that thing she’s chasing feels like it’s getting closer. _"Ben-"_ her voice rises at the end of his name, like she’s asking a question, and she hears him groan.

The ripples are becoming waves now. Her legs are shaking. She’s chasing it … chasing it … grinding up … up … up … and then she _catches it._ That chain of sparks suddenly ignites into a flame, roaring inside her. The world starts to tilt on its axis, and she realises it’s not going to right itself just as she finds herself on the very edge. _“Oh my god,”_ she gasps, and _lets go._

In the furthest corner of her awareness, she hears Ben’s voice as he climaxes. He’s almost incoherent: moaning, sobbing, gasping – the only word she can make out is _Rey._ She feels like she’s plummeting, like she’s _soaring_ , as her orgasm shatters through every layer of her, and for a few seconds it’s like she blacks out and she can’t see, can’t hear, can only _feel_ as her body takes complete control and all she can do is curl her toes, fist her hand in her bed sheets, and shudder as she hears herself gasp and sob and moan Ben’s name, over and over again.

Her muscles are still twitching when she reaches down to turn the vibrator off. She slides it slowly out, and drops it back into the drawer under the bed. “Are you still there?” she asks. Her voice is shaking. Her whole body is shaking.

“Yeah …” Ben’s voice sounds weak. _"Fuck."_

Rey stares up at the ceiling. Nothing - and everything - has changed. She feels the same, yet different. She feels exhausted, sated, _elated._ “Yeah,” she agrees. _"Fuck."_

He laughs softly and she can almost feel it. “Do you think you can sleep now?” The sound of his deep, smooth voice cradles her like a warm blanket.

“Maybe …” Her eyelids flutter closed, and she can already feel herself starting to drift off.

The last thing she thinks she remembers is the soft sound of his breathing as he falls asleep on the other end of the phoneline, but she’s not sure.

It could just as easily have been a dream.

***

Rey is awoken early the next morning by the door buzzer. She pulls on her dressing gown, shuffles across the hallway, and answers it.

“Rey! It’s me!”

She pushes the button to let him in, and stands in the hallway with her hands by her sides until she hears a knock at the door. She opens it immediately.

Ben is there in the doorway. He looks absolutely wrecked. “Yesterday …” he says. His voice is unsteady. “Last night …” He gulps, and runs a shaking hand through his hair. “Tell me I’m not imagining this. Tell me this is real.”

Rey grabs him by the hand, and pulls him into the hallway. She pushes him against the wall, and lays her hand flat on his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart as he looks down at her. Then she stands up on her tiptoes, pushes the collar of his t-shirt to one side, and bites down on his neck, sucking at the spot for a few seconds. When she lets go, she can see a red mark there, vivid against his pale skin. Ben is gazing at her with a dazed kind of wonderment as she says, “Is that real enough for you?”

He puts his big, strong, warm hands on either side of her face and looks at her with such intensity of feeling, such _longing,_ that it feels like he’s reaching out to her, like maybe he's _always_ been reaching out. His honey-brown eyes scan her face. Rey meets his gaze, trying to express to him even a fraction of what she’s feeling, trying to show him that _she's_ reaching out, too.

She sees it, the exact moment that he finds what he’s looking for. His breath catches in his throat, and he smiles. Not a smirk or a grin, but a wide, beautiful smile that creates deep dimples in his cheeks, crinkles the corners of his eyes, and lights up his whole face. _"Yes,"_ he breathes, and Rey can’t help but smile back.

There’s laughter bubbling out of both of them when they share their first kiss. Their lips press together softly, almost shyly, again and again, until the laughter stops and they’re just staring at each other again.

Then, Rey leads him into her bedroom. She locks the door behind them, and pulls him down onto the bed.

He climbs on top of her, his weight pressing her into the mattress. He stares down at her for a moment with dark, dark eyes. Then he bends his head to gently bite and suck at her neck, before pressing soft kisses and tiny licks to the place where she knows he’s marked her, too.

She shivers as he trails kisses up her neck, up her jaw. Her eyelids fall closed as he traces her earlobe with his tongue. Then, his breath is hot against her ear: “Tell me what you want.”

Rey opens her eyes. Every single one of her nerve endings is tingling. “I want you to teach me something,” she says.

The grin Ben gives her as he slides down the bed is absolutely filthy.

And then he’s nudging her knees apart, and stroking his hands up the inside of her thighs, and his face is _right_ between her legs. “Lesson one,” he says, and leans in.

And then … _Mmm._

It's _delicious._

**Author's Note:**

> Lockdown sure can do strange things to a girl. A week ago, this story was a three sentence summary. Four days ago, it was a corrupted file on my hard-drive, and I learned that I should really create backups sometimes.
> 
> Thank you to D for persuading me to start again from scratch when all I wanted to do was yeet my laptop out of the window. Thank you to B for cheering me on, humouring me, and for giving me some wonderfully insightful notes. Thank you to all the amazing writers in this fandom whose works I have consumed like a starving woman since joining the fandom last December.
> 
> And thank you for reading - I'd love to know what you thought!


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